Wednesday, May 15, 2019

Love, Your Future Mom: Queen Beauty DC 2019's Open Letter to her Future Daughter (Series 8-11)

Dear Future Daughter,

One day you will start dating, and that is exciting! I'm sure by now you've seen all the romantic comedies, love, and relationships on the big screen, happy couples on social media and so on. But you also need to know that dating, love, and relationships are not always happy or easy. It takes work for two people to love each other and stay committed through the ups and downs. But, don't ever allow yourself to be disrespected, hurt verbally, emotionally, physically, or sexually. Unfortunately, these hurtful things happen to teenage girls, and even women like me.

Please be aware of the red flags and listen to your gut. When I was a teenager my first relationship consisted of all of these hurtful things. Most people ask why you stayed with him for so long, or just leave him already. If it were that simple, I would have left him before it even started. I am going to share with you how and why it got to the point that it did. Now, remember, it's not ever the victim's fault, but it does take two to allow these things to happen.

Dating is hard. But it 'doesn't have to be abusive and lacks respect. Normally, the first signs of a potentially abusive relationship deal with a boy or man toying with your emotions. It can be as simple as complimenting you on one thing but then telling you that, that one thing they complimented on can be better or 'isn't as good as it can be. For example, "Your hair looks better down. You should wear it down more. But part it on the other side." He may even touch your hair or make you do as he says to his liking. That is red flag number one. Feelings for someone will make you vulnerable, and 'that's okay because, in order to love, you have to be willing to open up. But there is a difference when that person starts to insult you when complimenting you so that it seems valid, but it makes you feel insecure and need of changing something about yourself. Yes, it can be as simple as your hair. It may seem innocent at the time, but if this continues, these compliment/insult comments eventually take your sense of security with your style and presence. If this happens, he has gained control of your appearance.

Another red flag that will arise if you allow this behavior from him to continue is not just escalated emotional abuse, but verbal abuse will start and escalate as well. This is when he starts insulting you more than complimenting you and playing more games by saying he will dump you if you don’t do something he says to do. Or, he will dump you in order to make you do what he wants, then he will take you back immediately. Once he is able to gain that kind of control once, he knows he has you wrapped around his finger. This is the point he has gained complete control over you whether you realize it or not. This is when you are starting to be completely isolated from your friends and only allowed to be with him and his friends. This eventually steals you away from your family, and he can even insert fear, anger, and distrust towards your own family. He is now the only person you spend time with and go to him when he calls for you.

Then comes the physical and sexual abuse. One may come before the other, but these two forms tend to escalate together simultaneously. No man should ever lay his hand on a woman or make her do anything she doesn’t want to do. It normally starts off with some tight grabbing of the forearms while he’s annoyed or angry with you. Physically pulling you away from your friends and holding your hand in order to keep you close to him is another. These smaller physical abuse notions can escalate to being punched, choked, bruised, and so on. His hands are almost never his only form of physical abuse. He may start using whatever items he owns as well. Once he establishes you fear him in this way, he uses this as your punishment for not doing as he asks and to make you do what he says. Your body will now have bruises and scars almost daily. This is when you are afraid to do anything of your own free will because you feel he will find out and punish you for it.

When it comes to sexual encounters, he will love using the line, “If you love me, you’ll do it.” Or, “Don’t you love me?” Which you reply, “YES,” so he responds, “Then, you’ll do it, or that means you don’t love me.” These conversations to make you feel guilty and feel you have to do what he wants; otherwise, he’ll think you don’t love him will be used for more than in the bedroom. Sometimes if he wants to do something to you, he will do it regardless if you want to or not. 

Now, all of these things are incredibly scary, I know. But if you are aware of the red flags, listen to your gut, and talk to your parents you won't have to go through anything like this. It is important to know that love is respect. Love is not measured by what you are willing to do for someone if they want it. Love is not unequal of two individuals. Love is not insulting. Love is not beating someone up. Love is not isolating you to keep for themselves. Love is not based on ultimatums. Love is not 'I owe you's. Love is not a sacrifice. Love is not flawed. Love is not ugly. 

Love is respect.
Love is the equality of two individuals.
Love is complimenting.
Love is holding and supporting someone.
Love is sharing and caring.
Love is mutual decisions.
Love is giving and rewarding.
Love is compromising by both people.
Love is flawless.
Love is beautiful.

*Open letter series. Follow along as we uncover this sweet future mother-daughter bond. 
Series 9. Love advises.

Story by Brooke. PageantLIVE Partners and Ask The Crown Exclusives. PageantLIVE is known for exclusive interviews, and we pride to have and maintains on publishing our original contents.

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